by Carolyn Thomas ♥ @HeartSisters
I called my favorite flower shop last week to complain. Earlier that morning, I had picked up a bouquet of mini-gerbera flowers for our condo lobby, as I like to do each week. The gerberas (pictured above) were advertised as seven stems for $5.99. But when I got home and unwrapped the bouquet, I counted only five. My first thought: (a) maybe miscounted by a busy florist? My second thought: (b) maybe ALL of the displayed bouquets had only five stems, too – despite the “seven stems” advertised in this week’s flyer? The nice lady on the phone offered me two free gerbera stems if I wanted to come back to the shop to pick them up.
“These aren’t ‘FREE’ “, I snapped at her. “I’ve already paid you for SEVEN!” And I did not go back. Instead, I stewed over that interaction. .
My family neither shared nor understood my upset. (“Why make a fuss over such a minor thing?” ) I didn’t like the missing flowers, but the more I stewed, the more upset I felt about how I’d snapped at the nice lady on the phone.
I could not possibly have known if the reason for five stems was (a) or (b), but I spoke to her as if I knew for an irrefutable fact that the reason was (b) – implying that she’d been deliberately trying to cheat me out of two flowers.
This is but one tiny example of my alarming over-reactions lately when either major or minor events go even remotely sideways. What is happening to me?
I seem to be reflexively turning every small nothing into a big something.
But why? My entire decades-long adult career in public relations (in corporate, government and non-profit sectors) has always reflected my ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ personal and world view. My PR colleagues would likely agree that this is simply basic survival strategy if you’d like to keep your sanity in our field.
But now, either I’m becoming one of those tiresome complainers, or the world really IS going to hell in a handbasket.*
Arthur C. Brooks writes in The Atlantic about kneejerk responses like mine, and the name rooted in 15th century Germany for a person who complains a lot: “Greiner Zanner” – translated as “whiner-grumbler.”
When I read his words, I wondered: am I turning into a Greiner Zanner?
If so, I’m not alone, according to Brooks, who cites survey data showing that consumers today are more than twice as likely to complain about a product or service as they were 50 years ago. Brooks adds:
“The opinion section of almost every news outlet is now like a Greiner Zanner convention, with one editorial after another telling you that something is awful and you should be upset.”
There are no doubt many things worthy of legitimate upset these days, but if we don’t break that reflexive outrage cycle, we’re just going to keep ping-ponging our negativity to one another.
Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener, who teaches Positive Psychology at Portland State University, describes complaining basics in his Psychology Today column:
“Complaining usually happens in the wake of a negative personal situation. Traffic was worse than expected. The movie was disappointing. The contractor did shoddy work. Some people tend to complain, while others hold their tongues. Indeed, there is sometimes a “complaint threshold” that must be reached before someone decides to grumble.”
He also suggests that there are three different kinds of complaints:
1. “Chronic complaining includes a tendency to ruminate on problems and to focus on setbacks over progress. Some research suggests that making a habit of complaining can ‘re-wire’ the brain so that those particular thinking orientations become ingrained. It is possible to re-wire this re-wiring to make it more positive, of course, but chronic complainers probably don’t think it would work for them.”
2. “Venting is expressing emotional dissatisfaction. People who vent tend to be focused on themselves and their own negative experience. By showing their anger, frustration or disappointment, they are soliciting attention. They can feel validated by receiving attention and empathy. Venters aren’t looking to solve anything; they simply want validation.”
3. “Instrumental complaining is all about solving problems. When you confront your spouse about overspending on the credit card, for example, that could be instrumental complaining – especially if you focus on the impact of the problem, the importance of change, and cooperate to create a plan for change.”
Am I turning into a #1? A chronic complainer? A Greiner Zanner? And is that how I really want to be perceived by the people in my life as I grow older? Years ago, my girlfriends used to joke: ” If you have nothing nice to say – come sit next to me!” (At least, I think they were joking. . .)
Complaining can indeed affect the people nearby listening to us complain, as Australian psychologist Dr. Amy Silver reminds us:
“Unrelenting whining doesn’t just affect the complainer; it draws others into an orbit of pessimism through the phenomenon of emotional contagion. Emotions are 100 per cent transferable. We use other people’s cues to work out what our current state is. If other people perceive threat or risk, then we will too.”
Does this mean that heart patients shouldn’t share their traumatic cardiac stories with friends or families? I wrote this about that in 2018:
“As in most crises, we often need to tell and re-tell dramatic medical stories in the early days and weeks immediately after the crisis. The need to do this tends to lessen over time.”
But that’s not the kind of complaining I’m thinking about. It’s normal and predictable (especially for female patients) to share what we’re worried or frightened about as we try to make sense out of what’s just happened to us. Dr. Al Sierbert, author of The Survivor Personality, adds: “You repeat, relive and talk about the experience again and again with good listeners. You discover that after a while, you can tell a shorter version, a summary, with less emotional charge.”
Emotional contagion happens with optimism, too. When other people around us are NOT loudly pessimistic, that’s contagious, too.
For example: a few years ago, my friend CP and I were gently scolded during our weekly Monday morning phone chat with our elderly (and delightfully cheerful) friend Pat. She suddenly interrupted our loud weekly phone rant about the latest insanity going on in U.S. politics. Pat told us that she’d been feeling increasingly concerned that these Monday morning rants were making all three of us feel worse, NOT better. From now on, she suggested firmly, both CP and I must share only positive or uplifting stories from our past week every Monday (with rare exceptions, of course – in case of a truly serious crisis!) And Pat was right!
Luckily, both CP and I had grandbabies by then – so there was always a hilarious story or two to report to her each Monday. On the Monday mornings when we were all laughing at funny grandchild antics, we all felt better. Three years ago, our darling Pat died at a sprightly age 97, but I clearly still need to keep her “stop grumbling” advice in mind.
Arthur C. Brooks would have agreed 100 per cent with Pat, as he confirmed in his essay in The Atlantic:
“The problem with all of this kvetching is that it can feel therapeutic—but it typically isn’t. Although complaining might offer temporary relief, it’s bad for your happiness in the long run.”
And if our Pat were still with us, I know she would definitely remind me to stop being an annoying Greiner Zanner about two little flowers.
Arthur Brooks has one final suggestion to break this Greiner, Zanner routine:
“Make a commitment to stop grouching and ask others to hold you to it, much as you would if you wanted to quit smoking!”
♥
* “FYI: Going to hell in a handbasket” means that a situation is rapidly deteriorating or set firmly on a course for disaster. The expression’s associated with the North American gold rush of the 1840s, when men were lowered by hand in baskets down mining shafts to set explosives – which could have deadly consequences.
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1. Nolen-Hoeksema, Susan. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, JPSP 2005 (Vol. 77, No. 4, pp 801-814).
♥
Q: When you complain, are you mostly a #1, #2 or #3?
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NOTE FROM CAROLYN: I wrote more about how heart patients talk about their diagnoses in my book, A Woman’s Guide to Living with Heart Disease. You can ask for it at your local bookshop (please support your independent neighbourhood booksellers) or from Amazon online (paperback, hardcover or e-book) – or order it directly from my publisher, Johns Hopkins University Press (use their code HTWN to save 30% off the list price).
Gerbera image: Liggraphy, Pixabay
SEE ALSO:
Do you Think Too Much? How Ruminating Hurts your Heart
How Our Girlfriends Can Help us Get Through the Toughest Times
Sharing our Health Struggles: Too Much or Not Enough?
Heart Sisters 
Hello Carolyn,
I am a venter, mostly to my sister and always about my husband.
I find that since Covid, my husband is not happy about anything. Whether it’s service at a restaurant, food on the shelves at the grocery store, or just people. I also find myself being dragged down that rabbit hole with him. Sometimes it’s so exhausting that it feels like the air is being sucked out of me. Oh, my am I venting right now!!!!! Lol!
I like to think I am the “It is what it is” person. I have enough family that complains enough for all.
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Hi Susan – it IS funny to be complaining about complainers, isn’t it? 🙂 Sometimes when I’m listening to somebody going off full-tilt, I silently thank them for their reminder that I do NOT ever want to sound like that around others… Those ‘somebodies
are a gift, really!
I think sisters might be an entirely different category of venters. I have a sister who’s one year younger than me and we basically tell each other everything at all times – both the awful and the wonderful! When something bad happens, my first step is to call her. When something funny happens, I do the same. We can go from angry venting to hysterical laughing in the same phonecall!
You bring up such a good point about a family of complainers. It can be hard to even be around non-stop grouching. No wonder you feel exhausted. I’m not a physician – but I’m wondering if hubby is depressed?
Take care – try to stay out of that rabbit hole. . .❤️
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Hi Carolyn! Well, this made me stop, think, and yes, chuckle…
I’m not sure it’s good to admit it, but I think I’m a venter. Does this mean I focus on myself too much and seek validation rather than solutions? Yikes. Nothing about that sounds too admirable.
Taking this even further, in my articles and books I’m always talking about validation and often say that venting is helpful and maybe even healthy! So, am I encouraging my readers to also be venters, and if so, is this a bad thing?
Seriously though, I think we are all wired to be either more of a glass-full or glass-empty person. I’d be the first to admit that an optimist I am not. Do pessimists “complain” more? Maybe. Maybe not.
When we visit Best Mother-in-Law Ever at the nursing home, we often interact with one of her friends who says over and over during our brief visits, “It is what it is.” So, reading that comment above, made me smile.
And the part of that study that concluded we complain way more than we did 50 years ago – well, duh… quality of service and goods has deteriorated, don’t you think?\
Now, I’m really sounding old and crotchety!
This also reminded me of when we’d go out to eat with my parents and my mother would send her food back if it wasn’t hot enough or if her meat was too pink in the center. My kids would be so embarrassed and my dad mortified. Funny memories.
Where’s that line between too much complaining and just speaking your mind or self-advocating? I guess it’s different for all of us. Plus, it depends on who we’re with and what even qualifies as complaining since we all have differing standards there too.
And… when you get to be our age, isn’t part of the fun of getting together griping about our aches, pains, the younger generation, and yes, politics?
Please excuse my lengthy comment. Didn’t mean to write a book!
Finally, I just have to mention, I love all the comments your readers left. I will try to remember some of their sage advice. And yours, too, of course! xo
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Hi Nancy! First, I have to tell you that I agree 100% with your last paragraph! I too love my readers’ comments – including, of course YOURS! 🙂
I always say that I have the smartest, wisest and BEST-LOOKING readers ever!
No apology necessary for the length of your comment – so many excellent points! I’ll try to address them one by one: first, VENTING: venting is therapeutic and typically doesn’t go on and on. And it serves a purpose! I recall venting to a friend about something I was feeling very worried about. I wasn’t asking her for solutions AT ALL – I just wanted her to validate my perfectly reasonable feelings. Instead, she started attacking the family member I’d been worried about! (“Why did she do that? Why doesn’t she do A, B, or C?” SHE MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT OF VENTING!! Note to self: choose your venting listeners carefully! So no – venting is NOT a bad thing (unless it goes on relentlessly, at which we might interrupt with “I’m not the best person to be discussing this!”)
Next, YES pessimists complain more.
Poor quality of services and products: YES INDEED! Example, we received a school-bus yellow Braun coffee grinder, made in Germany, as a wedding gift in 1970. That coffee grinder has been used every day for 54 years! But just recently, a tiny plastic clip (which makes the grinder turn on when its lid is pushed down) broke off. So I went out and bought a new Braun grinder, but this one was made in China and I could tell by just lifting it out of the box that it was a piece of junk compared to my first one, a marvel of German engineering! I am realistically keeping the receipt, anticipating I’ll have to return sooner than 54 years. . .
I love your mother-in-law’s friend’s attitude: “It is what it is!” And I love that you introduce her as “Best Mother-in-Law Ever” – my late MIL was one of those too! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Sending food back: this is entirely normal when a customer notices something’s wrong. What I don’t like is the person who answers the server’s mid-meal question “How is everything here?” with “Just fine!” – but then continues to gripe about what is clearly NOT fine for the rest of the evening! It’s perfectly acceptable to answer that question truthfully (that’s why the servers ask!) and in my experience, when we do tell the truth (“Actually, this meat is a bit too pink for me – could you please ask the chef to give it a few more minutes on the grill?”) the response is almost always friendly (if we ask in a friendly way!) Restaurant owners would rather hear a complaint from a diner in the moment – rather than the diner bad-mouthing the restaurant forever afterwards.
Self-advocating is a whole new category. As patient advocates/activists/writers, you and I both notice all kinds of things we wish would change to improve patient care, safety or sanity. A lot of those things make us angry! Sometimes the squeaky wheel DOES get the grease! NOTE TO MY READERS: Nancy’s blog “Nancy’s Point” is all about living with a breast cancer diagnosis – a must-read for all BC patients you know.
You’re right – griping with our girlfriends (especially about ‘young people these days!’) is very fun at the time – but it rarely ever improves the behaviour of those young people!
Aches and pains: a tricky swamp – or what my friend Dave in Santa Barbara calls “the organ recital”. Again, choose your listeners carefully and never try to “win” the suffering Olympics. (“Pain? You think YOU have pain? Let me tell you about MY PAIN!!!”)
Thank you again dear Nancy for your take on becoming a Greiner Zanner!!! ❤️
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What an eye-opening post, and also the commentary/advice of your followers and your responses!
I am definitely bookmarking this article to read on repeat. I try to be aware of spinning my stories, but have often wondered how I come across, and if I’m alienating my listeners. The expression “emotional contagion” is sitting in my foremost thoughts.
Thank you again for your wisdom and the generosity of sharing so much vital information in your conversational style.
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Thank you for your kind words, Helene. I too was fascinated by the concept of “emotional contagion” – and especially since it works both ways! We can “catch” being negative and critical, or we can “catch” being positive and NOT critical. And this isn’t just about being grumpy on occasion (which is pretty normal) – what worries me is when I seem to be grumpy non-stop lately. As you wisely say, “I’ve often wondered how I come across”. Only wise people wonder that – the rude whiners don’t lose any sleep worried that they might be alienating their listeners!
Over the decades, I have made the decision to stop spending time with certain people anymore because I just couldn’t stand their critical and griping ways. Life is too short and I really do NOT want to come across like that myself!
Take care – ❤️
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Hello Carolyn,
Years back I was seeing a counsellor and learned a simple and effective moderator for my complaining. I come back to it often and have shared it with many others over the years.
The counsellor pointed out that the language we use to describe negative or upsetting things in our lives has become part of the problem. We use superlatives like ‘awful’ and ‘terrible’ to describe all negative experiences in our lives.
The movie was not disappointing, it was ‘awful!’. The traffic was not worse than expected , it was ‘terrible!’.
As my counsellor said, “Awful is a war”. “Terrible is a serious health diagnosis” .
I have found that trying to remember to use appropriate descriptors helps me keep things in perspective.
And my friend and I have a new acronym to describe that negative talk: COWs. Cranky Old Women.
Our signal to get a grip is to moo at each other.
PS: I am going to share this blog with many friends and family!
Lauren
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Hello Lauren – I’m laughing trying to picture you and your friend moo-ing at each other! No other explanation is required, right? So funny. . .
I had a cycling friend Judith who recommended a similar communication remedy, this one for when we start repeating our stories to each other. Apparently, our personal stories are so fascinating that we feel a strong need to repeat them. Over and over! (At least, that’s what my grown children tell me…)
Like you and your friend, Judith and I came up with a one-word reminder that conveys YOU’VE ALREADY TOLD ME THAT STORY 10 TIMES!!! – but more politely. Our one-word reminder is “REALLY?” in a loud, high pitched tone. The minute either of us hears “REALLY?” halfway through our sentence – we instantly know we can stop telling the story. (Again!)
Except our method HAS backfired on occasion. Once I was telling her a (brand new!) story that must have been pretty dramatic, because she screamed out “Really?” halfway through. “Oh sorry!” says I, thinking I must be repeating myself again. “No, no, no!” she replied quickly. “I didn’t mean ‘REALLY?’ – I just meant ‘Really?”
I think your counsellor made a very good point about how much our use of superlative language is making things so much worse, and hurting our ability to gain perspective. My favourite is “OUTRAGE”! Must even the slightest disappointment be an “outrage now!?”
Thanks for sharing this post with one and all!❤️
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Carolyn, I’m a long time reader but first time replying!
Prior to my cardiac diagnosis, I was teased for living in a bubble! Ever the optimist. In the past 10 years of unstable health, I’ve become a Greiner Zanner! I’ve been really uncomfortable with this “new” me but unable to kick the habit.
You’ve just given me that push I needed! I find once I can label something the better I can deal with it. Time to hang up the grein’ing and zann’ing!
Thank you for your clear eyed message!
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Hello Tracy and thank you for sharing your perspective with us today!
I just love your resolve to ‘hang up the the grein’ing and zann’ing!” I agree – once something we do or say or ruminate on has a label, the better we can deal with it somehow.
Like you, I’ve been “ever the optimist” my whole life – which meant I was also pretty judgemental about all the whiners and complainers out there. I was complaining about the complainers! Maybe that’s why when we – ever the optimists – suddenly become the whiners, it’s almost hard to believe this is really US anymore!
The Smile Project (which I think you’d like) tells a story about the US broadcaster Bernard Meltzer who ran a radio advice call-in show from the 1960s through the 90s. He’s credited with the following quote:
“Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is NO, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”
Take care – keep up that optimism! ❤️
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Interesting about Mr. Meltzer’s quote. There is an ashram in Puttaparthi, India where a great Holy Man, Sathya Sai Baba, lived for most of his 86 years, until his death in 2011.
Silence is encouraged throughout the ashram and in the Dining Hall there is a quote on the wall “Before you speak ask yourself; is this True? is this Kind? is this Necessary?”
Sathya Sai Baba
The Truth gets spread in many ways doesn’t it?
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Based on chronology, my guess is that Mr. Meltzer borrowed that quote from Sathya Sai Baba! ❤️
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Hi Carolyn,
What gorgeous flowers! My complaints generally start in my head, to myself, and that’s when I get an alert. My Peace of Mind is being disturbed.
I ask myself “Is this REALLY where I want to be?” A choice lies there for me to
1) Continue to ruminate on it
2) Do something about it
3) Let it go.
Sometimes I continue to ruminate. but I try to practice either choosing to change the situation or letting it go.
You mentioned the patterns in the brain that get developed with constant complaining.This is also true for developing new patterns. With practice and repetition, new thought patterns can be developed.
Take politics. . . Once they rile me up, I need to notice that my mind is disturbed. Do I want to stay riled up? Yes or no? Do I want to do something to change the situation?
Though there are many avenues to change politics, at my age and discretion, I choose to vote in each election and that is it. Then. . .letting it go. I look at the situation and I tell myself: “It is what it is”.
We as human beings need to think more about our thinking and understand the power we have in our thoughts and words… they can literally affect our physical, emotional and mental health and being contagious, as you said, can affect the health of those around us.
Blessings!
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Hi Jill – thank you for your always-wise observations! I love that question “Is this REALLY where I want to be?” and also your reminder about CHOICE. We can’t choose what others do or say, but we can choose how we respond. And I also love that you’ve nicely included three possible choices to pick from:
1) Continue to ruminate on it
2) Do something about it
3) Let it go
I remember years ago overhearing a table of elderly women chatting over coffee at our local seniors centre where I was volunteering. It was non-stop complaining (and mostly interrupting and talking over each other) – weather, politics, their husbands, society in general, assorted aches and pains, etc. I had that exact question for myself: “Is THIS where I want to end up someday? Griping and whining about life!?”
You’re so right – we all need to “think more about our thinking”.
Take care – I’m taking your advice to choose to be positively contagious! ❤️
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About your elderly lady encounter: My best friend and I were once in a restaurant next to the very same ladies!!! We promised each other (jokingly) that if one of us ever deteriorated into that state of “Greiner-Zanner”, the other would just shoot them!
LOL!
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Oh no! Now you each have an eye witness to that promise, Jill! Extra motivation to stay cheerful – at least around each other!! 🙂
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Hello Carolyn – this is a really important topic, especially for those of us who are approaching retirement age. Without a daily schedule/routine of going to work, workplace friendships and the sense that we are all part of a helping profession team, some people I know seem to have nothing to do EXCEPT complain.
So I’m trying not to turn into a GREINER ZANNER but then I’d be complaining about complainers, right?
I love this article!
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Hello RN in NYC – “complaining about complainers” is exactly what I just did here! Maybe I am a “Greiner Zanner” after all? 😉
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