by Carolyn Thomas ♥ Heart Sisters (on Blue Sky)
At this busy countdown march through the holiday season, I find myself physically craving some delicious solitude, and I’m wondering if you too are looking forward to some post-holiday time on your own.
Don’t get me wrong: I’ve truly been enjoying the lights and music of the season, our family’s group cabbage-rolling and perogy-pinching work bees prepping for Christmas Eve dinner, the unmatchable joy of watching grandkids excited about Santa, and the contagious open-heartedness I encounter even from passing strangers. I love those moments!
But if you’re like me, and are thinking seriously about learning to enjoy more me-time, remember that you may have to schedule it on your calendar. Treat it like it’s the important appointment it is – an appointment with yourself.
The late NYU psychology professor Dr. Ester Buchholz, author of The Call of Solitude, described solitude as “meaningful alone-time” – a powerful need and a necessary tonic in today’s rapid-fire world.” Indeed, she maintained that solitude “actually allows us to connect to others in a far richer way”. Her book also noted that a severe lack of “alone-time” in today’s frenzied culture can actually increase our feelings of stress and depression.
She didn’t write those words as specific advice for those of us living with heart disease, but it struck me while reading her book that, although they are probably true for all women, they seem especially applicable to those living with an exhausting chronic illness.
Indeed, I’m wondering if our heart health might actually improve if we only we could consciously carve out precious “me-time” during the average day. We’re not talking here about endless periods of alone-ness or social isolation – but more about a thoughtful balance between busy time and quiet alone time. This also fits all my New Year’s Eve resolutions from now on:
“I’ll do more of what I love doing, and far less of what I don’t!”
I clearly remember a distressing period long ago when I was the young Mum of both a preschooler and an infant (and most importantly, I was often a single parent due to my husband’s demanding out-of-town work schedule back then).
During those years, most “me-time” was essentially impossible. I recall, for example, deciding to block out a 15-minute period of quiet time during each day for mindfulness meditation exercises – which I thought would somehow help me become a less frazzled single parent of two. But I realized to my profound dismay that no matter how carefully I planned each day to allow just 15 consecutive minutes by taking advantage of nap times or Sesame Street episodes, I simply could not do it without a crying infant or her very active big brother interrupting my plans. For families like mine, enjoying me-time was a rare luxury.
Mindfulness meditation? I could barely snag a minute to pee on my own!
How is it possible, I wailed internally, that I can’t find 15 quiet minutes in my day for MYSELF – except when I finally crash, worn out and bone-weary, into bed at night?
Years later, the kids were both in school full-time, my co-author and I were finishing up our second book together and I was well into my public relations career. I discovered there just how much I had needed space to enjoy my own company. This was further fostered during business travel on my own when I moved to corporate PR, which then seamlessly morphed into happily solo leisure travel, too (France, Spain, Belgium, Hawaii – among other me-time destinations over the years). Even at home, I’m one of the few people I know who loves going to the movies alone, especially on a hot summer day. Air-conditioning. No need to share my popcorn. Nobody loudly whispering at me throughout the film. Heaven!
Laurie Erdman is a woman who lives with a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis. She reminds us that, historically, the way we have handled being alone has changed dramatically:
“The word ‘alone’ did not always mean an absence of others. The word was coined in medieval times, and originally signified a completeness in one’s singular being. In religious terminology, ‘solitude’ typically meant the experience of oneness with God.
“Yet all current meanings of ‘alone’ imply a lack of something.
“Invariably, solitude meets with social questioning, if not censure. Perhaps most striking, solitude conjures up pangs of loneliness. The very idea of solitude may evoke deep childhood fears of abandonment and neglect, and cause some people to rush toward connectedness.
“Surprisingly, it can also tell us that we are not taking time to be in contact with our inner selves – to be alone.”
Laurie suggests that learning how to enjoy time alone can bring the “ultimate in peaceful moments”. Solitude, she explains, is when you can shut out all the responsibilities, obligations, duties and chaos of life and create a small sanctuary of healing calm, adding:
“Psychology is only just beginning to distinguish aloneness from loneliness. People inside a tight-knit nuclear family can often be just as unknown and lonely as those living on their own.
“Now, more than ever, we need our solitude. Being alone gives us the power to regulate and adjust our lives. A restorer of energy, the stillness of alone experiences provides us with much-needed rest.
“Alone-time is fuel for life.”
As Laurie says, distinguishing “alone-ness” from “loneliness” can be a tall order.
Even while writing this article, it was challenging to find an appropriate image to illustrate it. When I went online using the image search terms “woman + solitude” , the searches inevitably resulted in picture after picture of grim grey faces staring through rain-flecked windows looking like their dog had just died. (By comparison, I really like the photo I did finally find on Pixabay of a woman out walking her dog on a beautiful snowy outing!)
Dana Jennings, a New York Times senior staff editor, began writing a regular column in 2008 about life as a cancer patient. Dana described solitude as his “agreeable pal”:
“More than ever these days, I want to shrink the world to the couple of rooms in my house where I’m most comfortable.
“I’ve been declining requests for my time, and the social whirl is less compelling than it ever was. To me, a perfect evening often means stretching out in the den and vanishing into a good novel.
“I want to nest. I take pleasure in the most gentle rhythms of daily life: walking the dog, meeting a friend for breakfast, getting a haircut.
“I’m still reinterpreting myself in the face of illness, and that takes time and quiet. It can’t be rushed, and I can’t do it successfully if I’m caught up in our huckster culture’s unrelenting ruckus.”
Like Dana, I too want to nest. My own days living with ongoing cardiac symptoms caused by coronary microvascular disease are now categorized as what I call “one-outing days” or “two-outing days” or (rarely) “three-outing days”, with lots of quiet downtime in between each outing to repair and recuperate. Everything depends on how I’m able (or not) to manage cardiac symptoms which crop up each day.
It’s not that I don’t love spending time with family and friends, but I’ve discovered that this time needs to be carefully balanced with quiet time. When a busy morning is followed by a quiet afternoon enjoying a nap, a good book or a solo walk along the ocean, for example, I get to appreciate my own company, think my deep thoughts, recharge my batteries – all without having to think hard about making small talk. During COVID, I wrote about wondering if I were a closet introvert all these years. I used to tell my family and friends back then: “I’m not STUCK at home – I’m SAFE at home!”
Extrovert or not, for many heart patients, it can seem that even keeping up our end of a simple conversation can feel exhausting.
And as Dr. Ester Buchholz reminded us in her book:
“Others inspire us, information feeds us, practice improves our performance, but we need quiet time to figure things out, to emerge with new discoveries, to unearth original answers.”
Merry Christmas, dear heart sisters. ♥ I’m looking forward to our family’s Christmas traditions (and that fantastic Christmas Eve feast!) But meanwhile, I’m heading outside now for a sunrise walk before the world wakes up, then I’ll read my Globe and Mail over coffee, play my favourite Ukrainian Christmas carols, respond to some reader comments before snuggling down in my red chair for a wee winter’s rest.
♥ Image of my red Riley chair: LaZBoy
Q: What’s your favourite way to create moments of solitude?
♥
NOTE FROM CAROLYN: In my book, A Woman’s Guide to Living with Heart Disease (Johns Hopkins University Press), I wrote much more about – among other things – how patients can set limits on our very precious time. You can ask for this book at your local library or favourite bookshop (please support your independent neighbourhood booksellers) or order it online (paperback, hardcover or e-book) at Amazon, or order it directly from Johns Hopkins University Press – use their code HTWN to save 30% off the cover price.
Heart Sisters 
The week between Christmas and New Year’s has long been a gift I give myself, the time I prep calendars for the following year.
Birthdays needing a card or gift are in red. Birthdays of community children whose families need help making the day special are in blue — I send cards for birthdays and Christmas. And I plan card orders to replenish birthday, sympathy, and get well cards.
I have a limited income but can buy these by the box. It gives me such joy to give the simple gift of a card, and it gives me such peace after a busy holiday season to sit by myself and think of each person as I add their name on their special day.
Even if I have to stay in, I can still reach out.
PS I’m not so wise, I learned this from a very dear great-aunt who did the same thing from her wheelchair.
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Pat! Have you been checking out my own kitchen calendar lately?
I too love that annual calendar prepping experience! It lets me not only record my plans to acknowledge special days for those I care about, but I also get to reflect on notes about events I’d marked during the past year. And like you, I also keep my red pen in hand to mark birthdays that need a card or more!
A card is a simple gift that clearly says: “I’m thinking of you!” in a lovely and tangible way.
Yet I sometimes worry that sending a birthday/sympathy/get well card is sadly becoming a forgotten gesture, given our pervasive dependence on just clicking a “send” button on our phones.
It does take more time, thoughtfulness and planning to send a card – which is what makes getting one SO special.
Choosing just the right card, writing a personal note, putting a stamp on the envelope, taking it to the mailbox – those small steps seem like far too much trouble for far too many people these days.
What I love about your comment is that you’re so clearly demonstrating by your day-to-day actions what “reaching out” is truly all about, and how it makes life better for both the sender and the receiver. Bless you for sharing your joy like this. I hope you get lovely cards in return for your kindness.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you! ❤️
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Carolyn, this is an excellent post! Lots of food for personal thought and welcoming conversation with others.
Being a person living with chronic disease for over 25 years and having new chronic diseases added during that time period, two of which is Congestive Heart Failure 2 years past and the other Atrial Fibrillation 4 months ago – in addition to currently living alone with my Yorkie after an unwelcome devastating divorce that triggered disabling depression and anxiety disorder over 15 years ago, and you have touched on topics that have been relevant for me.
Today I’ll focus on your Q:
What’s your favourite way to create moments of solitude?
#1: This past fall I could no longer stand being bitten by mosquitoes on my front porch where I had adored having morning coffee watching the sunrise and the birds and squirrels flutter around my yard, so I moved my outdoor patio furniture into what people would consider a bedroom that was actually closed off and empty. That week was difficult with my health conditions, and took a lot out of me to do it all alone. Surprisingly, this room in my house has become my sanctuary for solitude!
After escorting my Yorkie to her fluffy bed in this room, making my 1/2 caff coffee, I settle into my comfy love seat to watch the sunrise and the critters awaken outside my windows.
This month of December, I melted into a newly created morning routine: I have only a CD player for relaxing music or Christmas music this month and my cell phone only to be used for reading, no phone calls.
I have had to disallow my habit of starting chores such as laundry, mopping floors, etc until after 9:00 a.m. From naturally awakening until my designated time, this has became my favorite time of solitude for deep thoughts, reconnecting to my soul, peace, healing and those aha moments.
#2: I have for many years taken time during each day for solitude and recharge. There’s no designated time slot other than my body’s time that signals to me to stop, turn off the cell phone’s ringer, close the curtains, turn on relaxing music or listen to the quiet, and lay down on my bed for 30 minutes to an hour. No thinking, planning, reading, worrying or chores. It can all wait. Yorkie follows me with this happiness.
Yes, I’m an introvert. And I suspect most people don’t need this much time to restore and recharge. Solitude is when a person can shut out all the responsibilities, obligations, duties and chaos of life and create a small sanctuary of healing calm within oneself; however that may be is specific to that individual.
My walks along the bay front, unlike you Carolyn, are actually social activities as there are always a few other people, regular walkers or new visitors who enjoy a chat with Yorkie and me.
I hope you continue to have a wonderful holiday season, Carolyn.
🎄🎉❄️🎁❤️🩹 Merry Christmas. ❤️🍎
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Hello Teri – thanks for sharing some of those unique strategies you’ve hit upon to help you get through all those setbacks.
I can almost picture you and your Yorkie settling into that comfy love seat to watch the sunrise and the critters while listening to Christmas music! Beautiful! So many good tips for the rest of us to adopt as well. Speaking of your “It Can Wait” suggestion: this reminded me of good advice from an old friend which truly changed my own life: “Don’t answer the phone just because it’s ringing!”
For the past four years, I’ve been lucky enough to walk my 9-year old granddaughter to and from school/summer camp most weekdays. It’s so much fun. She views our walks as opportunities to interview every dog walker we pass – and there’s a lot of them! She’s such an outgoing and polite girl that those dog owners love chatting about their dogs with her. She knows almost every neighbourhood dog (and dog owner) by name now. Her interview questions to the owners are always the same: dog’s name? breed? good with children? shedding? barking? and is this as big as he’ll grow? She may or may not ultimately convince her parents about getting a dog, but meanwhile these dog encounters are the highlights of any day!
Merry Christmas to you too, Teri! ❤️
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Walking your granddaughter to and from school is such a wonderful treat for both of you! And to hear the interviews with the dogs’ owners is just precious!! I love your story. Thanks for sharing it with me. 😃
Merry Christmas 🤶!
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Teri, I knew from your Yorkie story that you would appreciate my granddaughter’s dog interviews! You’re so right: I AM lucky to be walking her to school. In fact, I actually started walking her to her daycare at age 18 months in her stroller – and then she started kindergarten at age 5 and walked the whole way like a “big girl”. We have the best times on our walks. That was long before her dog interviews, of course! But we had so many favourite landmarks along the way to daycare that she loved to point out (a white sailboat in a back lane, the tall flagpole at the school, a tree house, the fire hall with firetrucks, a white cat who sat at the same window every morning), a wild blackberry bush where we stopped in the summer to pick 8 berries (to share with the 8 kids in her daycare class). It means so much to me because I never knew either of my own 2 grandmothers – so it’s fun to think she’ll remember these years together.
Merry Christmas to you, too! ❤️
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The first thing that came to mind when I read your post is a phrase I heard or read a long time ago:
“You can’t be lonely unless you don’t like the person you’re alone with.”
Being alone with your Self, allows you to get to know and love your True Self. The Self, the Soul behind the curtain. A curtain we have woven out of worldly fabric and roles we have taken on such as mother, father, teacher, sister, daughter, brother, doctor, lawyer, tall, short, sick, well, young, old…
All these worldly descriptions that say nothing about who we truly are.
And in case it has crossed your mind erroneously that solitude is selfish – it is NOT. It nourishes us in such a way that we bring a better, more peaceful, loving, self to every role that we play.
I am a lover of solitude! I spend many hours each day in my recliner, with a blanket. Sending all thoughts away, allowing Peace to settle in to my restless mind…
Solitude Rocks!
Blessings to All as the old year morphs into the new. No matter what the medical condition of our hearts, may they be filled with Peace and Love.
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Hi Jill – I agree with you: SOLITUDE ROCKS! For many of us, however, solitude must be appreciated for what it is, not just another available space to be filled up with chores, worry, stress and To-Do lists. I like your wise reminder that solitude is NOT SELFISH! I grew up believing the opposite – that people who enjoyed solitude were just plain LAZY according to my workaholic Mum. That kind of upbringing sends extreme messages to kids. We lived on a 42-acre fruit farm where the spring/summer/autumn workload simply never stopped from dawn until it was too dark out to see the fruit we were picking anymore.
My parents would have thrown a fit had they ever walked into our farmhouse and caught any of their five children SITTING DOWN or explaining that we were just bringing “a better, more peaceful, loving, self to every role that we play!” I also suspect that being the eldest child of five gave me a very strong affection for my own “me-time”!
Every family is different, but I suspect that the growth of yoga, massage therapy and meditation practice is an effort to quiet those childhood messages we get about being human DOINGS, not just human BEINGS.
Wishing you peace and love – and stable health! – in the new year too, Jill ❤️
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I feel your childhood deeply.
My paternal grandparents were German and owned a cheese factory in Wisconsin. My father left school at the age of 12 to work in the cheese factory. The German work ethic, as wonderful as it is in many situations, was taken way too far in many families.
As a child, if I sat down to just enjoy a moment, I was called lazy. Once my father asked me why I was always sitting down all the time and did I have dropsy or something.
It has taken a lifetime to rise above the thoughts that I am not of value unless I am “doing” something. On occasion they still raise their ugly head but now I can just laugh at them.
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Oh, Jill. I feel your childhood just as deeply! My parents were Ukrainian, not German – but their work ethic sounds identical, and we clearly got that same message: “Your only worth around here is when you’re working – but you better be working harder than anybody else and doing everything right – or else.” Definitely one of those “spare the rod and spoil the child” child-rearing beliefs based on fear that were unfortunately common in the 1950s. . . BTW, you’re still of value even when you’re sitting down! 🙂
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Ah yes perfection in all things. One of my mother’s favorite sayings: “Good, Better,Best. Never let it rest until your good is better and your better is best”.
All I could hear was “Never let it rest.”
Echoing in my head for years! Here’s to REST and SOLITUDE for all!
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