Connection instead of isolation: my waiting room experiment

by Carolyn Thomas   ❤️   Heart Sisters (on Blue Sky)

When was the last time you struck up a casual conversation with somebody you don’t know?  Psychologist Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, who teaches at the University of Essex in the U.K., studies this phenomenon, and now describes herself as a “talker-to-strangers”, adding:

“The benefit shown in my research is that chatting with strangers is good for your mood.”    .

She hasn’t always loved talking to strangers, she says, but she’s always seen it – both of her parents regularly talk to strangers. Dr. Sandstrom admits she was sometimes embarrassed as a child by her parents’ chatty ways when out in public, but despite that, she could also clearly see how much her parents enjoyed chatting with other people, and – even better – how much the strangers they talked to enjoyed it as well. As she explains:

“If you’re feeling low, the last thing you might want to do is talk to someone you don’t even know, but it’s likely going to be one of the few effective ways of pulling yourself up out of that space.”

And as Dr. Diane Dreher wrote in her Psychology Today  column, those “micro-moments of connectivity”  can be both healing and nurturing. Even a brief connection with another person, she explains, can “dramatically raise our mood, relieve stress and loneliness, reduce inflammation, and build physical and emotional well-being.”

The remarkable mood-lifting effects of breaking social silences with people you’ve never met suggest that “people could improve their own well-being – and that of others – by simply being more social with strangers.”   She calls this experience: “trying to create connections where one might otherwise choose isolation.” 

We are learning that isolation is disturbingly common in our society. The Canadian government’s report on The Social Isolation of Seniors found that critical life transitions (like retirement, living with chronic illness, the death of a spouse, or even losing a driver’s license) can further increase this risk of both isolation and its sad cousin, loneliness.

Surprisingly, the National Institutes of Health found that isolation and loneliness are observed among people in their 20s almost as often as those over 60.

The National Institute on Aging reminds us, however, that no matter your age, “you can live alone and not feel lonely or socially isolated, and you can feel lonely while being with other people.”  If you’ve ever lived in a loveless marriage, you may recognize that reality.

The late U.K. researcher John Cacioppo argued that the root cause of loneliness is evolution. As he pointed out: “Modern society is worlds away from the community-based life for which human beings were designed.” 

I view connections with strangers as useful and temporary distractions – much like I learned in my Pain Self-Management classes.  Probably the most familiar example of how we can often trick our nervous system into focusing elsewhere is the headache that somehow eases up once we become engrossed in a compelling distraction (like watching an exciting movie).

Dr. Dreher also recommends:

“These social connections can be shared not only with close friends and family members , but the grocery store clerk or anyone else you encounter in daily life. A simple smile, eye contact, being “present”, or perhaps a kind word – that’s all it takes.”

A smile and a kind word could truly make an important difference every day in our medical waiting rooms. People sitting on those waiting room chairs often feel sick, or in pain, or frightened, or overwhelmed – a perfect opportunity for a kind connection.

One study on waiting room interactions from University of Notre Dame researchers observed that in many hospitals’ waiting rooms, “conversations rarely sprung up between patients in the main waiting room. Even people who arrived together seemed afraid to break the silence to speak to each other. This created an environment of oppressive silence where the anxiety was palpable.” 

I’ve spent countless hours over the years sitting in hospital and/or cardiology waiting rooms that could be described in precisely that same way.  Why do some patients face “oppressive silence” in their waiting rooms, while the hospital’s Breast Imaging Clinic where I had my mammogram, ultrasound and diagnostic biopsy done on the same day has a waiting room filled with people who are smiling and chatting?

Over the past three months, I’ve had some remarkable waiting room experiences  – which is why I’m now on a one-woman mission to encourage those “micro-moments of connectivity”, specifically in waiting rooms.

Here are just three recent examples of how this mission to follow Dr. Sandstrom’s lead is going so far:

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♥ Waiting Room #1:   Breast Imaging Clinic (mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy) Victoria General Hospital – March 2025 

After discovering a lump on my right breast while in the shower one morning,  I’m referred to  the hospital’s Breast Imaging Clinic, booked for a mammogram. That 30-minute appointment morphs into five hours  when each test reveals suspicious results (which turn out to be a diagnosis of invasive ductal carcinoma – you can learn more about my surprise diagnosis here. Five hours is long enough to observe many women  arriving and departing from that waiting room. Not only are the women greeting me and other arrivals with a friendly “Hello!” – but they  also call out “Good Bye! Good luck!” to women who are leaving the room.  In between, the women are smiling, chatting – even laughing together!  I’ve never experienced anything remotely like this in any cardiology waiting room. This was a hospital waiting room experience that profoundly affected me – as I wrote about here: “This is much more than a hospital waiting room”

♥ Waiting Room #2:   COVID vaccine clinic, Oak Bay Pharmasave –  April 2025

The woman approaches our drugstore seating area while I’m waiting for my vaccine appointment with the pharmacist.   I recognize her Filipino accent  because my sister-in-law is from the Philippines, too. And because our whole country is still reeling from heartbreaking news that 11 people attending a huge outdoor Filipino festival in Vancouver have been killed by a crazed driver, I offer my condolences to her and her community. She thanks me, and talks about her family back in Cebu City, and how she’s been obsessed with the fragility of life since that Vancouver tragedy.  She even asks about my sister-in-law’s background (Filipinos seem to be related to every other Filipino – no matter where they now  live!)

♥ Waiting Room #3:  Medical Imaging Clinic, Royal Jubilee Hospital – May 2025

I’m seated in the waiting room of the Medical Imaging Clinic, ready for my CT scan appointment. I’ve tucked the Globe and Mail into my tote bag to read (just in case it’s a long wait),  but before I can even open my newspaper, a woman arrives and sits across from me. We exchange smiles and chat about this particular procedure (I’m a CT scan newbie, while she’s had several).  She tells me that she’s just returned from the wedding of her nephew, whom she describes as“like a son to me”. She then reaches for her phone to show me the wedding pictures!  We have a lovely moment together admiring the bride’s gorgeous gown  – until my name is announced, and I’m the one calling out to her: “Goodbye! Good luck!”

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None of these small encounters were planned. They require minimal time. Chatting with strangers isn’t a permanent cure-all, but it can be such a pleasant side trip. And if Breast Imaging Clinic waiting rooms can create spontaneous connections, then so can cardiology!

Dr. Sandstrom recommends some  simple tips on starting up a conversation with strangers (which, by the way, my 10 year-old granddaughter Everly Rose has already confidently mastered. She’s been doing this for years simply by interviewing every dog owner we meet while walking home from school together (part of her intensive lobbying efforts to convince her parents to get a puppy.  And we know that dog lovers love to talk about their dogs!)  ♥

Here are Dr. Sandstrom’s tips:

• Put some effort into being warm and open.
• Smiles matter.  To increase their power, smile slower.
• When people open up, don’t judge.
• Instead of thinking “But what do I talk about?” – focus on “How do I get them talking about themselves?“

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Q:  Are you a “talker-to-strangers” like Dr. Sandstrom?

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NOTE from CAROLYN:   My blog-turned-book,  A Woman’s Guide to Living with Heart Disease  is based on many of my 900+ blog posts about women’s unique experiences with heart disease.  You can ask for it at your local library or neighbourhood bookshop (please support your favourite independent bookseller) or order it online (paperback, hardcover or e-book) at Amazon – or order it directly from my publisher, Johns Hopkins University Press (use their code HTWN to save 30% off the list price).