I’ve come to learn that a common reaction to a heart attack is others’ utter shock that this could happen to “YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE!” Women in particular report reactions like this because, generally speaking, we’re used to being the ones who take care of others, and to being the strong glue that holds our family life and relationships together.
How dare we get sick?
Dr. Wayne Sotile, in his very useful book Heart Illness and Intimacy: How Caring Relationships Aid Recovery, talks about the “family scramble” that can happen when somebody in that family is diagnosed with heart disease. And few things can heighten the family scramble, he claims, like the “wrong” family member getting sick. Just who is the “wrong” family member? Dr. Sotile gives the example of a family that may have become accustomed to dealing with the health problems caused by, let’s say, a husband’s alcoholism. Dr. Sotile explains:
“If he now has a heart attack, the specific problems change, but the process of living with a husband with health problems simply continues. The shock of this cardiac diagnosis may be less than if he had never been sick before.”
But what if it’s the woman in this same family who suffers a heart attack, the one who has “never been sick”?
Dr. Sotile predicts that the rest of the family may now have far greater problems coping when the primary caretaker of the family is “temporarily unavailable to hold the family together in the face of escalating stress”. Family adjustment to this illness might be understandably more difficult.
Any time that any illness requires family members to make major shifts in how they relate to one another can be prime time for adjustment problems. People who are shocked by illness in their family often struggle to remain organized in familiar ways.
For example, Dr. Sotile tell us that some families may make one of two unhealthy choices when the “wrong” one develops heart disease:
1. DENIAL that the illness exists: both heart patients and family members sometimes cooperate in denying that anyone in the family has heart disease. They’re playing a game of pretending that the illness is not real. This dynamic may be due to the patient’s fear of the impact that open acknowledgement of heart disease will have on loved ones.
2. GETTING SICKER than the patient: if the “wrong” family member gets sick, other family members may develop symptoms that require the patient to maintain a sense of importance and power in the family despite their heart disease diagnosis. Dr. Sotile calls this “one-downing” the patient. He cites research reporting that over 50% of family members of heart patients develop psychosomatic ailments that require medical attention. Many ailments may result simply from the sheer stress of dealing with a loved one diagnosed with a serious heart condition.
For some women heart patients, just the fact that we are women may still be reason enough to make the family think that the “wrong” person has been diagnosed with heart disease.
It was only in the 1980s, for example, that the American Heart Association launched its clearly male-patient-focused advertising campaign that reinforced the male heart attack stereotype by posing this question:
“If your husband had a heart attack in bed tonight, would you know what to do?”
Find out more about Dr. Wayne Sotile’s book Heart Illness and Intimacy: How Caring Relationships Aid Recovery.
- Women heart attack survivors know their place
- Looking for meaning in a meaningless diagnosis
- Why hearing the diagnosis can hurt worse than the heart attack
- How we adapt after a heart attack may depend on what we believe this diagnosis means
- When you live with a serious illness – and a bad marriage
- A wife’s heart disease teaches her husband a big lesson