by Carolyn Thomas ♥ @HeartSisters
In 2017, Margareta Magnusson, a Swedish artist who describes herself as being “somewhere between 80 and 100,” wrote a best-selling book called The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter
She explores a Scandinavian concept in which you work on eliminating unnecessary items from your home so that your loved ones won’t be burdened with those tasks after you die. And she urges everybody 65 and older to get started on this process of shedding possessions.
It’s not imminent death that has prompted my recent interest in reducing clutter. This spring, I’m selling the tiny perfect 1-bedroom apartment I’ve loved for 17 years. And although pre-move sorting, packing and cleaning would be most heart patients’ idea of pure torture, I’m so surprised to discover how much I’ve been enjoying the immediate before-and-after results so far. .
For weeks leading up to listing my home for sale, I’ve been slowly emptying, scrubbing and sorting each shelf, cupboard, drawer and closet, one by one, and reminding myself to be ruthless. Once I scrubbed these spaces to within an inch of their lives (while working around my daily nap, of course!) I then replaced only the items I love (and actually use). Anything that didn’t make the cut ended up in the recycling bin, the garbage can, or in cardboard boxes loaded into my car to be donated to the Friday thrift shop fundraising sales at our neighbourhood church. The more loads I’ve donated to the church, the better I felt – and the more spacious my apartment looked. This experience has had “feel good” written all over it!
Speaking of spacious, closets were a good place for me to start taking aim at clutter.
My hall closet, for example, has been impossibly packed for years with coats, jackets and other things I no longer wear, including my mother-of-the-bride and mother-of-the-groom outfits. Why do I keep these? I know I will never wear either one again. So I decided to donate both – along with several classic wool suits I used to wear to work during my corporate public relations career. These went to a local charity that specializes in providing professional-looking clothes for women who are re-entering the workforce. Lots more opportunities to feel good!
Margareta Magnusson embarked on her famous book after dealing with the deaths of her own parents, her in-laws and her husband of 48 years – who, when they were alive, did not follow the Swedish tradition called döstädning (dö = “death” and städning = “cleaning”). She was left to make countless decisions on what to do with every single one of their possessions. So her main message is to encourage us to slowly begin de-cluttering our homes now, so our death won’t be even more burdensome for those we’ll one day leave behind.
As regular readers know, I like the concept of establishing approach goals when making plans. An approach goal, for example, looks like this: “I’m going for a long walk today because I know I’ll feel better out in the fresh air!” Behaviour scientists tell us that this kind of goal is significantly more effective than an avoidance goal (e.g. “I’m going for a long walk today because I don’t want to have another heart attack”).
What kept me motivated during all of this sorting, packing, and cleaning was to stay focused on two of my own approach goals for this process:
1. I want to sell my tiny, perfect apartment as quickly as possible! And with potential buyers now booking viewing appointments, I find myself wandering around with my Windex* spray bottle in search of wayward smudges or crumbs before each appointment (although I am wondering: “Where do these smudges and crumbs keep coming from?!”) And now that my apartment is officially listed for sale, my real estate agent Chris advises that it’s important to keep everything looking as smudge- and crumb-free as possible. Basically, it now looks like nobody has ever lived here. We know that many potential buyers just can’t ‘see past‘ a cluttered mess, so I don’t want to give them any reason to walk away.
2. Another motivating approach goal is moving to a 2-bedroom apartment so I will finally have my own craft room! Those of you who work on your art, crafting, sewing, quilting, writing, woodworking or any other creative projects in your own designated space (instead of off one corner of the kitchen table) already know how wonderful having uniquely purposeful space can be.
I hope to model my new craft room after the one at the home of one of my crafting buddies, Irene. She has magically turned her second bedroom into a thing of beauty: floor-to-ceiling shelves, roomy storage cabinets and shallow drawers for papers, inks and crafting supplies, plus a generous table surface, task lighting and a big bright window – and right near the kitchen for coffee and snacks. Hers is my dream craft room! And one day very soon, I hope to see that dream come true – which also helps to explain all that emptying, scrubbing and sorting.
This is NOT of course, my usual housework style, as I wrote about candidly in Struggle Care: a New Way to Rethink Housework (based on the interesting work of Texas psychotherapist KC Davis, whose Struggle Care housework mantra is: “Good Enough is Perfect!” But when you’re selling a home, the reality is that “good enough” needs to be stepped up if you want to sell quickly. Less clutter, fresh flowers, tidy closets, sparkling clean windows and mirrors – every small step improves that all-important first impression.
I also know that all of this sorting/packing/cleaning will indeed one day be a huge relief to my two grown children. (You’re welcome, kids!)
I know this because after their Dad’s sudden death in 2020, they spent months making countless decisions, big and small, about what to do with the entire contents of his huge over-stuffed home. It was a nightmare. Their constant daily lament while sorting every pile seemed to be: “Why did Dad keep THIS?!”
They also needed to rent massive dumpsters, recycling and donation bins parked along the driveway to sort endless boxes of stuff hoarded over decades. But even boxes of junk required a careful sorting – just in case there was a sentimental letter from their late Grandma tucked into his boxed-up collections of useless who-knows-what. Our friends and I were regularly recruited for weekend sorting/packing work bees that year to help our kids clear out every room of their Dad’s house, plus the attic, basement, garage, etc. We could have furnished several houses with what we were tossing into big boxes marked FREE down at the curb each week.
This long process was both exhausting and frustrating for both of my children, during a sad time when neither response was an appropriate replacement for grieving the sudden loss of their father. Grief was the underlying emotion our kids could have been focused on, instead of crushing fatigue and frustration.
I think the most compelling conclusion about the “döstädning” tradition Margareta Magnusson describes is simply this:
“If we don’t sort out our possessions now, we’re condemning our families to do the job for us later.”
♥
* Using the brand name Windex® isn’t a commercial endorsement. Use any cleaner you like!
Q: Have you ever done a deep dive into clearing a “lifetime of clutter” from your own home or anybody else’s?
❤️
MOVING UPDATE: April 2024: After a busy spring spent tracking down errant smudges and crumbs in preparation for real estate showings and Open Houses, I took my apartment off the market. Not because I gave up on having my dream craft room someday, but because last month I was sick in bed with an awful case of gastroenteritis, a brutal stomach virus. Even after three straight weeks in bed, I suffered frequent daily bouts of shaky-sweaty weakness as if I’d been hit by a large bus. Too exhausted to even think about Swedish death cleaning – never mind massive jobs like house-hunting, sorting, packing, MOVING DAY, then weeks of unpacking and more sorting. The more exhausted I felt, the less I wanted to move, of course.
So every morning now, I look around at my tiny perfect apartment, appreciating anew every beautiful nook and cranny, the treetop views from my east-facing balcony (where four spectacular clematis vines are exploding into bloom right now), my gorgeous kitchen and my charming neighbourhood. Because I don’t need to keep up with endless tidying, I’ve started a big, messy balcony project refinishing a work table out there for potting my plants. I don’t know yet if I will or will not re-list my real estate listing some day, but for now I feel happy – and strangely relieved – to stay put.
❤️
NOTE FROM CAROLYN: I wrote more on how exhaustion and fatigue can affect heart patients in my book, A Woman’s Guide to Living With Heart Disease (Johns Hopkins University Press). You can ask for it at your neighbourhood library, or favourite bookshop (please support your local independent booksellers) or order it online (paperback, hardcover or e-book) at Amazon – or order it directly from my publisher, Johns Hopkins University Press (use their code HTWN to save 30% off the list price).
Heart Sisters 
When I met my second husband (both of us widowed), I discovered he was living among boxes in his tiny 1 1/2 story house in a lakeside town. He’d just moved in about 8 months prior to his wife dying of cancer, and hadn’t unpacked because he was afraid he’d lose his house!
We’ve been together 8 years now (5 married) and little by little we’ve decluttered his home of all the stuff from his late wife before their marriage, from his parent’s cottage, and from his previous life. I’m trying to get him to be ruthless with things, because we still have two homes, but wish to combine to one eventually.
He still has the fear that by letting go of these things, he is dishonouring his parents’ and late wife’s memory. But honestly, who needs 40+ wine glasses and 2 dozen china tea cups?
Next up – major declutter of my house. As soon as my adult kids move out.
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Hello Jacqueline – you have a compelling scenario unfolding: two homes! When that’s the case, the original owner of each home basically gets to make the decisions on what to keep, what to remove. I’m guessing that it’s much harder for your husband to be ruthless about sorting his stuff than it is for you to be ruthless about his stuff. And when one (or both of you) are widowed, the stuff once shared with the late spouse can take on intense sentimental meaning that makes little sense to the current spouse.
I’m curious about how ruthless you’ll be once you start decluttering your own home! 🙂
Take care. . . ❤️
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My brother passed in May of 2019. He did this to his family. He was a private pilot with a hangar for his airplane, which he had taken apart to work on before an inspection.
He passed unexpectedly with a hangar full of other items as well as an airplane engine waiting to be put back together so the plane could be sold and fly away. His home was neat but his private things were a mess.
My sister-in-law and her 2 adult kids were left with the task of sorting, donating, trashing and grieving! What a horrible disservice he did to his family that he loved so much. My nephew had to sell 2 boats, 3 cars, a tractor and assorted lawn equipment.
My brother was a mechanic with Detroit Diesel and had many tools in those tall, red tool holders and guess who is stuck with them? His son. My nephew has a PATH to walk through his house because he has been burdened with his father’s things that he is either unable to sell or throw away. After all, those were his Dad’s things and the sentimental beast eats away at him every time he goes to get rid of something.
PLEASE, PEOPLE…..don’t do this to your family. It is 5 years since my brother passed and his son is still dealing with STUFF!!
Thank you for this article. I am living with purging now and I know my 2 kids don’t want my stuff!
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Oh, Joyce – my condolences to you on the loss of your brother, and especially to his two kids who were condemned to do this impossible job – all while grieving the death of their Dad!
In so many ways, deciding to start sorting all that STUFF long before we’re no longer able to do so is a wonderful early gift we give to our children and families. The trouble is that few of us talk or even think about death. We live in a death-denying society – as if death will somehow not happen to US or anybody we love.
Because I’m in the process of sorting and packing and de-cluttering in anticipation of moving this spring, I am able to better understand what an awful job this would be if I’d left these massive tasks to my grown children or grandchildren some day. As I wrote in this post, “YOU’RE WELCOME, KIDS!” I’ve just done them a huge favour they didn’t even know they needed from me!
I hope your nephew will soon be freed from this monstrous responsibility so he can move on.
Take care. . . ❤️
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Very apt post, Carolyn! My husband is a hoarder and also has health problems, so downsizing is very difficult for us.
I believe the comments above about scarcity in childhood apply to him. He is trying to sort out stuff, but it is a slow process indeed. We have made 7 moves in the past 20 years with all his and my possessions and it is overwhelming at times.
Why does he need all this stuff? Oh, it might come in handy one day, or it belonged to so-and-so in the family!
My parents started to downsize when they got older, but my dad and I still had a lot to clear out when my mum died. Fortunately, my brother and I had asked for certain pieces and put a tag on other items, for when the time came. My dad disposed of most of the ornaments, but had a lot of family records and papers, which was fine with me as I took them on, and have another family member to pass them to when my time comes.
The idea to put a note on certain family items is great though, I will be doing that. Started writing on the back of photos, but found that so tiring – I have afib and CFS/ME, so have to pace myself, as do many others here.
I think I would have to bring in an independent estate clearer if/when something happens to my husband. In the meantime, I am selling some items of value on Etsy and Poshmark – it keeps me mentally sane, if nothing else!
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Hello Sue – seven moves in 20 years?! You and your husband are true veterans in packing/moving/unpacking – but it’s the “sorting” piece that’s so challenging to fit in when hoarding has become the norm over the years. Without sorting, we’re moving EVERYTHING from one address to another – where (unless moving to bigger and bigger homes each time) the overall result is still hoarding. That’s the advantage of getting independent help to downsize – hoarders are rarely if ever enthusiastic about sorting on their own.
So glad you mentioned the importance of pacing, given the health concerns you mention. That has to be your most important overall focus. As you know, this process can be exhausting – even for those in perfect health.
Good luck with your Etsy and Poshmark adventures!
Take care. . . ❤️
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I’ve been downsizing the contents of my house as best I can for several years now, giving things to friends, friends of friends, and thrift stores that serve causes I believe in.
My motivation originally: thinking my husband and I would be moving to a smaller house in a few years. Now he’s talking about staying where we are, but I still want to keep doing this, as it feels REALLY good to send boxes and bags of STUFF out of the house!
There’s a constant battle between the child raised by depression-era parents and the adult who moved households 13 times in 18 years (US Army), complicated by now living in one place for 26 (!) years.
There are things I haven’t yet contemplated going through – kinda scary to go through photos my kids aren’t interested in even though it’s their childhoods.
I would love to have more photos from my childhood. But the rest of the stuff I’m moving out will have meaning to others someday. Not my problem then, LOL!
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Hi Holly – such an interesting observation about how people raised in the depression era may have inexplicably strong feelings about letting possessions go, compared to those for whom moving and letting go may have been routine. I was watching a documentary about compulsive hoarders recently; there were some references to having experienced extreme poverty and scarcity as a child – an influence that never left them – which could explain a lot.
Growing up, I wasn’t poor and I didn’t move a lot – but I have sure discovered that, as you say: “it feels REALLY good to send boxes and bags of STUFF out of the house!” I love the idea that my “no-longer-needed” items will one day become “must-haves” for some lucky thrift shoppers!
I too wish I had more photos from my own childhood – our very rare childhood pix are so precious to me. Back then, we didn’t take pictures with our phones!
Take care . . . have fun sorting those boxes and bags! ❤️
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Very good and apt post, Carolyn! When my mum died, my dad and I spent hours going through her clothes and other belongings, sorting things out.
She had already given me some special items, and many others held fond memories, so I took the ones that meant something to me. After that, my dad became very ruthless and gave away, to family or charity, a lot of stuff. Except for family history things like photos, letters, mementos etc., because of his, and my, interest in genealogy.
But my husband, who is a bit of a hoarder, has cluttered up our house with so much “stuff” that he insists he needs or “will come in handy one day”, that I despair of what I will do when something happens to him.
He has heart issues and other health problems, so I cannot stress him out about getting rid of things. He is working through it a bit at a time, which is all I can hope for right now. In the meantime, I am making plans for what to do when the time comes – estate clearing agency, family help, dumpster, etc.!
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Hello Sue – that sense of “will come in handy one day” is the motto of every hoarder! A friend told me of finding an old dusty jar in her parents’ tool shed labelled: “Strings Too Small To Use”!!! That’s the ultimate useless thing to save!
I think you’re being so wise to quietly get your ducks in a row now for that “some day” when you will be making all the decisions. You won’t be surprised by your husband’s stash of stuff, and somehow you and your team will manage to sort it out (or dump it out).
Meanwhile, every small step he takes on his own “a bit at a time” is probably the best he can manage right now.
Hang in there! ❤️
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I had to sweep through my parents’ place within 2 weeks of their deaths, so we 3 orphaned kids wouldn’t have to pay another month’s rent, which as callous as it sounds, was because I couldn’t get time off work and lived in another country.
But I did learn a few things from this!
– Do it while you have the energy! Don’t wait until you are 80… You will be overwhelmed and will end up doing nothing
– If you aren’t motivated by moving, do a tidy up every 10 years anyway. My parents had done two before they died and there was still too much
– Think about what you may not want the person tidying up to see. Due to the suddenness of my parents’ departure, I unearthed quite a few shocking secrets I would have preferred not to know.
– Going forward, really think why you want this item or that… Because if you can’t enjoy it while alive, it holds no sentimental value to those sorting out your stuff – and it will go. So if it’s going to end up buried in a cupboard or drawer, do you really need it?
– if you have an item of immense sentimental value to you, or some sort of family history behind it, consider leaving a note with it. It was very frustrating unearthing things I knew my parents had strong sentimental attachment to, but realising I didn’t know the history. No history…no reason to keep…
Which brings me to selling… You will be staggered how little your stuff is worth on the 2nd hand market. People do not want to pay for it, even if you think it’s a bargain price. If it truly is valuable, plan to give yourself plenty of time to sell it – because if it comes down to your kids having to list it, they will quickly realise that $10,000 bag collection you have will likely yield $500 at best on Facebook or Craigslist, and will also entail lots of messaging and arranging to meet people who don’t turn up, or turn up with half the cash. And you know what? They will end up donating it to charity or to the thrift stores!
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What a terrific and helpful list you have here! I’m sorry you had such a rushed and stressful experience during those two weeks. If my own grown kids had only two weeks to make decisions – instead of an entire exhausting year – I’m pretty sure 99% of the boxes would have been trashed. Thanks for adding your perspective about selling price. After a death, do we really want to be engaging in tiresome negotiations about what our top price should or could be?
I know that my kids learned a lot from their dreadful experience sorting their Dad’s stuff, because my daughter has already asked if she could have certain pieces of furniture she’s always liked “after you’re gone”. There are pieces of green masking tape on the backside of a few of my pieces already!
Take care. . . thanks for sharing such practical advice here. ♥
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