by Carolyn Thomas ♥ @HeartSisters
It isn’t often I recommend children’s books to my readers – but I love Judith Viorst’s Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.* This classic 1972 storybook had a profound personal impact on me as a young Mum while I was reading it aloud at bedtime (many, many, many times) to my own kids. It’s a story that teaches us how tough it is some days to accept reality. Here’s what I mean:
Alexander is a young boy whose day is spiraling out of control: his best friend at school tells him that he’s no longer his best friend, his mother forgets to put dessert into his lunch bag, his favourite marble falls down the bathtub drain, and meanwhile his two older brothers are having their best day ever. Alexander wishes he could go live in Australia (which he apparently thinks is immune to Very Bad things).
In this book, no matter how bad Alexander’s day becomes, the overall message here for children is simply that some days are like this.
I think that’s quite unlike most other kids’ books and their sappy happy fairy tale endings.
But Alexander learns that life is indeed like this sometimes. For everybody. Everywhere! We may not like it, and we have little or no control over anything but our own response. Bad days happen because that’s what reality looks like for us all, big or small. See also: “Life is Amazing. And Then it’s Awful…”
(And to reinforce the moral of Viorst’s important story, my kids – and now my grandkids, too – have also been raised with me belting out the chorus of the Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – whenever it’s remotely appropriate).
Some adults behave as if they have not yet accepted that Rolling Stones wisdom.
I think about little Alexander when I too am having one of “those” days – and I’ve had plenty. People living with chronic or progressive or frightening diagnoses generally experience more than the average lifetime quota of Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad days in real time – sometimes several days in a row, all day long. Sick people know the cold dreadful fear of no longer being in control of what’s happening to their own lives.
We try to regain that control. It may feel, as I once quoted New Jersey oncologist Dr. James Salwitz, like “longing to just be a person, and not a patient anymore.”
Let’s face it, my dear Heart Sisters: being a patient with chronic illness can be a daily exercise in accepting whatever reality shows up.
But how many more lessons in acceptance does the universe think I need? I’ve already survived a misdiagnosed widow-maker heart attack. Then two years ago, painful swollen joints of osteoarthritis. And on April 1, 2025, the reality of yet another frightening diagnosis I did not see coming: a malignant tumor in my right breast, invasive ductal carcinoma. See updates here:
Acceptance may seem counter-intuitive. Aren’t we expected to fight hard against realities we don’t want? Maybe so, but accepting reality can also be a strategy to protect us against the more dangerous response of denial in reaction to, for example, an alarming diagnosis.As Buddhists say: “What is, is”.
Decades ago, I’d learned the importance of accepting reality that cannot be ignored at my weekly Al-Anon Family support group meetings.
These meetings are based on the original Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step recovery program, but this particular support group is for the family members (spouses, adult children, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and others who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.) Our Al-Anon support group facilitator regularly cautioned us about a common myth that almost all group first-timers believe – specifically, that we can control behaviour we don’t like in other adults. This belief, we learned to our dismay, is neither realistic nor possible.
The first step of the classic 12-step AA approach is about acknowledging that we are powerless. That’s a hard stop for some people who spend their lives proving how powerful they are. But AA’s first step does NOT mean being powerless over our own actions, decisions or behaviours, of course, and instead, as our group facilitator often wrote (in big letters) on his whiteboard:
“I am powerless to control the behaviour of others, and when I start believing I do have this power, I make myself and my life miserable.”
I think that’s pretty profound. Admitting powerlessness also means being open to accepting what is true. It encourages accepting reality, rather than clinging to denial. It encourages reactions like: “This IS happening, so what can I do to help myself manage it?”
And speaking of denial, regular readers may already be familiar with previous posts (here and here) about how women are significantly more likely to minimize, dismiss and deny their own cardiac symptoms compared to our male counterparts. We are already experts at denial and at what cardiac researchers call treatment-seeking-delay behaviour – even in mid-heart attack.
Accepting reality may just be the only way to actually cope with reality.
This can start with noticing how denying reality can increase anxiety.
We may notice new physical symptoms (like restlessness, rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, muscle tension, headaches, sleep disturbances, stomach upset and more.
We may notice new intrusive thoughts that make us feel like we’re repeatedly ruminating over what’s happening or not happening (behaviour scientists call this habit cognitive distortion, a fancy name for the stinkin’ thinkin’ which allows intrusive thoughts to fester and grow. (FYI, the non-profit Beck Institute offers free printable Testing Your Thoughts worksheets) in case you’d like to give tracking a try. See also: How Ruminating Hurts Your Heart
The late Yale University professor Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’s research revealed her interesting findings about why ruminating is so hard on us:[1]
“When people ruminate about problems, they remember more negative past events, they interpret situations in their current lives more negatively, and they are more hopeless about the future. Ruminating keeps us on the fast track to feeling helpless by paralyzing problem-solving skills.”
We also notice if those intrusive-festering-stinkin’ thoughts start leading to new anxious behaviours.
If they do, it’s time to decide how we want to personally respond to those feelings/thoughts/behaviours now and in the future. Alexandra Carmichael, the co-founder of CureTogether wrote about a report based on patient-reported health data called “6,100 Patients With Anxiety Report What Recommendations Work Best”. See the results in: Top 25 Recommendations for Anxiety
Spoiler alert: Only three of those 25 top recommendations from over 6,000 real patients included pharmaceutical drugs. And a 26th recommendation to consider is what psychologists call a “grounding technique” based on mindfulness principles. It’s the 333 Rule for Anxiety in which we focus on the present moment by simply naming three things we can see, naming three sounds we hear, and moving three parts of our body. [2]
Speaking of anxiety, let’s get back to Alexander and his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day: we know that although Alexander may have no control over what others are doing or saying, he does have control over how he reacts. And by bedtime, he learns that most bad days come to an end, and that everybody out there has bad days, too – yes, even Australians!
Finally, Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema recommended two problem-solving steps to help reduce ruminating and start accepting reality:
1. Consciously decide on one specific activity every day that fosters positive thoughts.
2. Consciously decide on one concrete thing every day to shrink the power of ruminating (a friend of mine, for example, whispers “CANCEL!” at the first hint of stinkin’ thinkin’).
And that is reality.
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1. Jacobsen, Jenni PhD: “The 333 Rules for Anxiety“. Psychology Today. November 23, 2023.
2. Nolen-Hoeksema, Susan. “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology”, 2005. Vol. 77, No. 4, pp 801-814.
‘Smithereens’ – broken glass image: Samueles, Pixabay
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*FUN FACT about this book: Alexander and his two older brothers, Anthony and Nick, are based on author Judith Viorst’s own three sons of the same names.
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NOTE FROM CAROLYN: I wrote much more about anxiety and other mental health issues often associated with a heart disease diagnosis in my book, A Woman’s Guide to Living with Heart Disease. You can ask for it at your local library or favourite bookshop (please support your independent neighbourhood booksellers) or order it online (paperback, hardcover or e-book) at Amazon, or order it directly from my publisher, Johns Hopkins University Press (use their code HTWN to save 30% off the list price).
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Q: Can you recall a time when accepting reality was hard for you?
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NOTE FROM CAROLYN: I wrote more about denial in my book, “A Woman’s Guide to Living with Heart Disease”. You can ask for it at your local bookshop, or order it online (paperback, hardcover or e-book) at Amazon – or order it directly from my publisher, Johns Hopkins University Press (use their code HTWN to save 30% off the list price).
Heart Sisters 
Hi Carolyn,
The actual name Congestive Heart Failure doesn’t bother me, as it does describe physically what is going on within my body concerning my heart condition as I understand it myself.
It is very different than heart attack from coronary heart disease, one is not better than the other, just different in what is going on in the body.
Dr. Stephen Parker‘S list is good! The “grief” of it all is where I am currently.
You are right on target with Dr. Victor Montori at Mayo Clinic who calls this kind of coping “the burden of treatment”. As you say, “That’s what you’re getting your head wrapped around right now.” Yes!
Thanks for attaching the link. I read it and was able to comprehend it all as being so true for me. I had tried to convey this, my capabilities, with my PA on our first meeting 4 months ago, but she wasn’t able to sinc this, my capabilities, into her brain.
She wanted me to run my energy to several preventative procedures (to check off boxes that she informed the patient of preventative measures available, not that I had any symptoms or concerns) and spend money that I didn’t have the ability to pay for these co-pays and added expenses.
And exactly, my response was just what Dr Victor Montori described, I just didn’t do as she recommended at the risk that my much needed immediate medication known needs for the CHF, Graves’ disease, Depression and Anxiety might be declined by her that need the attending Doctor’s approval for refill prescriptions.
I have my second appointment with her on Thursday of this week. I do know the blood work will be necessary to determine where my body is currently. Then determine adjustments as necessary. And I have budgeted to have money to cover bloodwork co-pay expenses. I can only try to have hope that she is the type of health care provider who wants to work with the patient on a treatment plan that works for both the doctors and the patients.
Thank you again for your thoughtful support! ❤️🍎
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Hi again TD – I too hope your PA will want to work with you on a treatment plan that works! It’s discouraging that such common sense care has to even be negotiated by patients! Shouldn’t that be the bare minimum standard of care from all healthcare professionals?
When you see her on Thursday, please tell her what your most important needs and concerns are, what you are reasonably able to do (or not), and what kind of help you’d appreciate from her. Good luck with that appointment! ❤️
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I will certainly! Thank you!!
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Oh Carolyn, I certainly tried! Do I start with the good or the bad?
I will start with the good. I have been referred to a Cardiologist who has been with another group of cardiologists for five years located upstairs. I decided to go up the elevator to see that situation for myself. I saw a doctor’s name that I’m familiar with as I saw him with an unusual condition 20 years ago.
Though he wasn’t able to determine, solve or treat that unusual condition at the time, he did earn my trust as I could see he really researched my problem and was honest that he simply didn’t know!
He has been our local news media doctor during the pandemic. So when I saw him and his name I had some good confidence that perhaps this group of cardiologists might be helpful for me now. I was able to get an appointment for a new patient referral. There was a man behind me also wanting to make an appointment with this same doctor. So in the elevator on the way down, I asked him about his experience with this cardiologist. He said that his colleague saved his life by diagnosing him with cardiomyopathy 15 years ago and saved his life. And that he had been seeing this colleague for fifteen years and was very satisfied with the service and care that this group of cardiologists provide. I felt good about making my appointment one month from now.
The not good: I did my best to talk with the PA with my notes as you and I discussed. The nurse did my vitals saying my heart rate was high and my blood pressure was also high. I can no longer feel my heart beat, if it is racing, or not. When the PA came in and listened to my heart she confirmed my heart rate was high, but said the nurse was wrong about my blood pressure – it was in normal range. So they disagreed about blood pressure.
I kept to my plan that I discussed with you, but she kept interrupting me, said “I’m going to order….” And I said “Wait, hear all of what is going on with my body and me then we can decide a plan!” I was persistent and ended up more stressed to the point of crying.
She kept wanting to wrap it up and leave for the next patient. Grrrr! I’m paying that company $300 for 15 minutes! Hear me out!!
Once we agreed to all the blood tests to order, I was open ears to what she had to say about the vertigo, my left arm numbness, and my “I don’t want to take all these pharmaceuticals and over the counter medication because it’s too much.” And I reminded her about my financial situation and why I am declining running around to all those preventative appointments that I don’t have money for, or the energy to do.
I asked again about my concern about the vertigo. She said to just try to move very slowly, and that vertigo is very common. (Uggh, I didn’t appreciate her non-thought-out answer)
I asked about the Excessive Sweating inside AC doing a simple task of preparing a salad? She said “female hormones of menopause, nothing to be concerned about.” I reminded her that I’m 64 and I was tested and controlled post-menopause when I was 47, that was 16 years ago!
All of a sudden I am not experiencing post-menopause. (I was perturbed with her words).
She was definitely somewhere else in her mind and not present in the room. She was not there for me, caring about me.
We agreed that I would return for the blood work in the morning and that I would follow up with the referral for a cardiologist.
So I sat waiting in the lobby for her to type up her notes for my written record to take with me.
The receptionist called me to the window for the report. She asked if the PA wanted a follow-up appointment and I told her she said to see her again in 4 months. The receptionist said that is not possible because the PA is leaving (moving with her military husband) the company in two weeks so here is a list of names of PA taking new patients.
My shock… to relive less than 30 minutes ago my PA just straight face-lied to me to follow up with her… knowing well that she was moving and would not be there to follow up with me on the bloodwork or the vertigo issue.
A woman was sitting next to the counter and heard that conversation. As I turned to leave, she whispered to me: “I understand how you feel. I’ve been with this group for five years when it was Doctor owned. When they sold last year everything has changed – not for the better.” She was waiting to see the same PA, and she wasn’t happy to hear that the PA would be leaving already in less than a year. She got called into her appointment and I hope she gave that PA GRIEF for the lies to me!
So as I vent here, I come to realize that this PA was not at all a good fit for me and my core values. And I don’t know that this health care facility is really what I want or need for my future.
I truly wanted a doctor, not a PA, not a nurse, but a certified physician in family medicine. I will use this facility for re-ordering necessary prescriptions until I find a certified physician. I have heard of people driving to the next major city 3 hours away. And I might have to do that too. One day at a time!
Not what you had imagined, was it Carolyn? ❤️🍎
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Hoooo boy! Not at all what I’d imagined (or hoped for!) It’s so discouraging to sit face-to-face with a healthcare professional – and yet feel she is distracted, not present, ignoring your valid concerns, and – worse! – she doesn’t even mention that she’s leaving town in 2 weeks?!?!? That’s what my Oregon friend Dr. James Beckerman would call “bad medicine” – when providers withold care. And that’s what your PA was doing.
That was indeed the “bad part” for sure. But in a way – could this end up being the best part in the long run? As you wisely observed, this PA was “not a good fit” for you and your core values.
There’s the problem right there. Ideally, your next provider will be somebody who listens to and respects your opinion and questions. That is NOT too much to ask. You deserve and need that. You’ve probably had a gut feeling all along of being dissatisfied or worse for a long time (I’d say being close to tears during your appointment qualifies as “worse”!)
I’m really glad you went up to check out the new cardiologist – and that encouraging chat in the elevator was the icing on the cake. I hope this cardiologist will be a very very good fit.
Finally, I’d like to put in a word here about different types of healthcare providers. We tend to think DOCTORS with the letters M.D. after their names are the best and only medical providers for us and our families. That of course has always historically been the case because there were no qualified alternatives.
But where I live (in Canada) we have MDs, PAs and NPs (Nurse Practitioners) in most provinces, all funded by our national health service. My longterm family doctor (an MD) recently announced her upcoming retirement – and with NO arrangements made for a replacement doctor for her clinic. I was devastated! There is a serious shortage of family doctors everywhere. Nobody was taking new patients or even putting up a waiting list. I was frantic – imagining my future of needing to line up for over-crowded walk-in clinics without a family doctor anymore.
But my new healthcare provider is a Nurse Practitioner – and she is a dream come true. She is pleasant, smart, compassionate, and a wonderful communicator. And I could not be happier! I’m a patient with what doctors call “complex conditions” but I’m not worried at all now. NPs can prescribe, order tests, refer me to specialists – just like MDs do. Best of all, researchers who have studied the differences in care quality between NPs and MDs have reported that Nurse Practitioners “perform as well as physicians in terms of clinical safety and positive patient outcomes. Nurse Practitioners matched or exceeded their physician counterparts in patient education and satisfaction.” And NPs generally spend MORE time per visit with each patient than MDs do. That’s a pretty glowing assessment of this kind of practitioner.
I’m wondering if you now believe that all PAs are not a good fit for you because of your dissatisfaction with this one specific PA? Just like doctors with the letters MD after their names are all different, with different levels of personality and skills (I’ve met some docs – the one who misdiagnosed me in mid-heart attack who refused to make eye contact, for example – who I hope to never run into again).
And some who are absolutely terrific people. The trick is to track down THE ONE who fits.
Good luck to you! ❤️
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Hi Carolyn! I made it in this morning to give blood and urine for the lab work. I had to sign paperwork that I will pay whatever insurance will not cover and there’s no way of knowing until a bill shows up in my postal mailbox. All of which causes the anxiety about my financial situation.
This was the most amount of lab work that has ever been done. It’s scary and I will have to deal with that on another day. For now, I’m keeping my mind quiet.
I read in the PAs report yesterday that she described me as a “complex conditions” person, just like you!! So we have something in common.
To answer your question if I am now a thinking that all PA’s are not a good fit because this one experience?
Well, I will answer it with what another blogger Barbara Rogers wrote to me recently in regards to something else, but it totally applies with this too.
Barbara Rogers said, “It’s interesting how something that one person finds encouraging and deeply inspiring can have the opposite affect on another. People really are like plants, we all need different things to thrive, or even to survive.”
For now it’s one hour at a time for me, self care and patience, with my journey navigating the my “complex conditions”. ❤️🍎
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Hello again Teri – A wise plan to try to keep your mind quiet about outcomes you just can’t predict right now. You’ll find out when you find out!
I like Barbara Rogers’s observation comparing us to plants – every person is different, every medical experience is different.
Take care – hope those test results help your future decision-making.❤️
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Dear Carolyn
I have to tell you how much I have appreciated reading your post the last four years. I totally understand the frustration of facing reality every day. I keep expecting things to change but it’s not going to happen.
I really appreciate what you have written and how much it just helps for me to understand other women are going through the same thing.
I did want to ask you if you felt your osteoarthritis was related to your heart at all. I have been diagnosed with osteoarthritis four years after I was diagnosed with microvascular disease.
Keep smiling
Juanita Diebolt
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Hello Juanita! Thanks so much for your kind words. And thanks for reminding us that YES, other women ARE going through the same thing. Knowing that may not relieve our symptoms, but it is a comfort to know we’re not the only ones.
In answer to your question re ostearthritis (OA) and heart disease, I do know that there is some evidence of that link – but not sure which comes first. Studies suggest that people with OA are almost three times more likely to develop coronary artery disease or heart failure than those without OA – especially strong when arthritis is in joints such as the knee and hip. The Arthritis Foundation reports, for example: “Long term inflammation contributes to cardiovascular disease. OA has not been traditionally considered an inflammatory disease, but research now shows that OA does involve inflammation.”
Let’s both “keep smiling” together! ❤️
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“Q: Can you recall a time when accepting reality was hard for you?”
Yes, many times. The one that I am focused on is accepting my reality now, post-congestive heart failure diagnosis during twelve days hospitalized in the ICU.
I am currently having a difficult time accepting all the medication that I have to take; and now knowing that I will have to take this all the rest of my living days.
It is quite upsetting how many pills I’m taking – I have to space them out so my stomach can tolerate it.
I feel angst about taking the daily diuretic that chains me to a toilet for three hours every day. Though I know it’s what keeps me surviving, I’m not feeling happy about it at all.
Thanks for your post. On my better days, I relate to many of these things you have mentioned.
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Thanks for sharing your important perspective here, Teri. I know that so many of my readers will instantly relate to what you’re describing.
You must feel like you’ve been through the wringer – between being in Intensive Care for 12 days (12 DAYS! That is serious!) and all these new meds (many of us feel like we’re going from zero to 60 with new drugs – from no pills to a fistful of pills!)
And then there’s the hurtful name of your diagnosis itself – when a doctor tells patients out loud with a straight face that “your heart is FAILING!” (I wrote more about the need to change the name here, FYI)
My Alaska friend Dr. Stephen Parker (who is a cardiac psychologist AND a heart patient himself) once made a list of the “swirling emotions” he felt after his cardiac event. .
You might relate to some of the emotions he lists:
-relief at survival
— disbelief and anger that it happened
– grief for everything that has and will be lost
– gratitude to those who helped
— extreme vulnerability in a previously safe world
– fear of what the future might bring
Question: “How do you eat an elephant?”
Answer: “One bite at a time.”
Translation: the only way to get through even the most overwhelming health crisis imaginable is to handle one tiny step after another. One DAY at a time – but sometimes one HOUR at a time. Dr. Victor Montori at Mayo Clinic calls this kind of coping “the burden of treatment” . That’s what you’re slowly getting your head wrapped around now. This requires lots of self-compassion and patience – in exactly the same compassionate and patient way you’d treat a friend going through the same experience.
There is no magical way to fast-forward through this for any of us. As you have already identified, on your “better” days, you know this as the reality sinks in. Most patients believe this sounds crazy at first, but the day will come when you WILL feel differently about this diagnosis than you do now, and you will no longer dread taking yet another pill.
I’m hoping those better days are just ahead of you. Please take care. . . ❤️
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Thank you for this; both the original post and your responses.
There’s so much here that is incredibly helpful to me at the moment as I navigate the latest heart health bump in the road.
One of my early life models is someone who has, to this day, never accepted the fact that they can’t control others’ lives. Its a hard default thinking behaviour to break when it’s been modeled from such an early age and for so long.
You’ve given me lots to continue the work I’ve been doing for quite a while to simply accept that there are things I can’t control, and those things that aren’t on my life-pile (that was a new mental model and I love it!) should be left to those on whose life-pile they are.
I constantly have to remind myself of the circles of influence when faced with these situations – focus on those things I can actually control or influence, and simply accept those things that I can’t. Some days I’m able to, other days not so much!
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Hello Simona and thank you for sharing your perspective. You’ve nicely captured the key message: “Focus on those things I can actually control or influence, and simply accept those things that I can’t.”
The hardest part comes when it doesn’t feel simple at all! I remember struggling while trying to come up with just the right words that would somehow convince others to change their behaviour. If only I could effectively explain the need for them to change…
But who wants to hear a message that’s basically: “You know the way you are? CHANGE!” ?
You’re so right – some days it seems much easier to “simply accept” – and other days not simple at all!
Take care. . .❤️
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What IS it with you?
Once again you have written a piece that describes, and offers solutions to, my current state.
We’re in the “limbo” time of moving house – the weeks between the sale of our condo and the new owners taking possession. During this time we’ve experienced a number of crises (mouse ingress, a flood, 2 broken shower heads and a broken tap, the explosive demise of our microwave, a broken window covering, etc.,etc.). These events might be amusing in a movie, but in real life, not so much!
The results: my husband, who suffers from anxiety, took catastrophic thinking to a new level and I, alarmed at his behaviour, tried to control it! I already knew – with the help of Al-Anon sessions that helped me deal with another relative – that this was impossible to do, but I guess the trauma of the condo situation clouded my thinking.
I’m happy to report we’ve come out the other side. There are only two more weeks until we get outta here and I will keep your article close at hand to review when necessary.
So thank you for being the lovely mind-reading wizard you are, and keep up the good work!
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Hello Deborah – you’re so right! Your story would be hilarious if we were watching the movie. Who is going to play YOU in the film? In my Toastmasters club, we used to remind each other that today’s disaster is tomorrow’s speech material – keeps getting funnier as it ages… 😉
Seriously, though: sorry to hear about this moving nightmare.
Deborah, did you forget that MOVING IS HELL?! My daughter recently survived her own moving nightmare (including the confirmed moving trucks that did NOT show up on moving day!) She’s almost gotten over the trauma by now. . .
I hope you and your husband will also get through this and soon be in your nice new home, slowly unpacking and sorting, a place for everything and everything in its place, right?
Take care – thanks for your kind words, and good luck on your moving day! ❤️
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I have in the past been a perpetrator of ALL of those things you mentioned: negative thoughts, worry, ruminating, catatrophizing, trying to control that which is not mine to control …feeding anxiety with every thought.
For me, the subject was usually my kids… For some reason I thought it was my personal job to protect them from or to “fix” every terrible horrible no good very bad day.
Which, even if it was possible would not be a good thing for growing up as a responsible resilient adult.
I did eventually get over myself ( mostly) as the keeper of everyone else’s happiness. But it did take a conscious effort to own my own thoughts as unhealthy for both myself and others. Besides meditation, I also made up exercises similar to those you provided.
One quote that I learned(I don’t remember the source), my son says helps him a lot is “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional”
When I first heard this quote, I thought it seemed cruel, but as I came to understand it a bit more.. I began to see that it is usually not the pains in life that get us down, it’s our thoughts about the pains that do us in.
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Hi Jill – hooo boy, I can relate! I really love that quote that your son likes: “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional” I’m also impressed that you invented your own exercises to get you through the early belief that you had to be the keeper of everyone else’s happiness! So many Mums can also relate!
It was through Al-Anon that I learned (much to my amazement) that I could live a long and happy live – even if my family member did not quit drinking. I could still go to work every day at a job I loved, have a great time with my wonderful colleagues, have fun with my family, enjoy my crafting hobbies, spend time with my friends, make plans for happy outings, enjoy beautiful sunsets.
We also learned about the concept of detachment – detaching ourselves from the drama over choices others make, and not feeling tossed willy-nilly like a helpless tiny boat in a big storm.
But what really cemented the wisdom of that detachment philosophy was raising a teenager who seemed bent on driving us insane. She changed schools (after threatening to drop out in grade 8!) and the new ‘alternative’ school offered free Monday evening sessions for parents. I showed up on the first Monday (her Dad was “too busy” to attend) – to find a classroom filled with parents just like me: nice, normal completely overwhelmed people all trying to figure out what on earth had happened to our darling little child? The psychologist who led those evening sessions gave us textbooks e.g. (How to Deal With Your Acting-Up Teenager: Practical Help for Desperate Parents) – highly recommended! plus homework assignments.
For example, “For next week’s class, read this chapter and then make a list of all the behaviours your child does that drive you crazy, and then divide that list into two piles: the behaviours that affect YOUR life-pile (e.g. leaving wet towels on your bathroom floor) and the things that are only on the kid’s life-pile (doing homework, quitting school, what clothes they wear, their hair, etc etc. )
I remember our psychologist using the issue of quitting school as an example of life-piles: e.g. “I have already finished high school. I can live a long and happy life even if my child NEVER finishes high school.” That’s a hard lesson for most parents to contemplate! Yet that “I can live a long and happy life EVEN IF _______ happens” remains a phrase that I’ve often used to help me get past many stressful decisions that other people make!
Take care Jill . . . I have a feeling that you’re a real pro by now at those “conscious efforts” to own your own thoughts! ❤️
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It takes a daily “thought” review Morning and Evening to keep my head straight! – but over time it is becoming a new normal which I enjoy.
Like most skills, it does take practice.
By the way, my daughter dropped out after 10th grade and my son dropped out after 3rd grade. I wish I had access to those classes you had!!!
All I got was everyone telling me I was a bad parent!
Blessings and have a wonderful Sunday!
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Yes! Practice! practice! practice!
There’s a great quote to remember when anybody is tempted to judge other parents – from the 2nd Earl of Rochester back in the 1600s who famously said:
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories…”
That’s my take on this too. Or, as my wise friend Heather told me when I was pregnant with my first baby: “Don’t ever say anything bad about the behaviour of anybody else’s child – because someday yours will end up doing the same thing – but WORSE!”
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What a great piece. Thank you. It could not have come at a more timely moment. As I have perhaps mentioned, I was diagnosed at end of Feb with fibromuscular dysplasia, on top of all the cardiac stuff and tomorrow I have a scan to check the misbehaving arteries.
So, yes. FMD diagnosis wasn’t easy, none of the things you mentioned are. I want to save and reread this article and check out all the references over and over. Akin to ruminating (which I have a tendency to do), I find myself sometimes apt to catastrophize, which is singularly unhelpful and not grounded in reality, but I think both the 3-3-3 exercise and the identification of one grounding/soothing activity and usage of a phrase to interrupt the ruminating will work similarly for those of us who might catastrophize.
Thank you!
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Hello Helen – I’m glad you mentioned catastrophizing. It’s not surprising to me at all that the tendency to go from 0-60 in a heartbeat is so common (0= I’m pretty good today; 60= It’s BAD today and it’s going to get much WORSE!) It’s like ruminating on steroids. You have had a lot on your plate lately, all of it pretty serious. But unlike somebody who is catastrophizing for no reason, you have tests arranged and medical support. You’re in good hands.
Oregon trauma therapist John Flanagan once described his own catastrophizing over a mild skin rash like this:
“The rash was a concern. The doctor’s inability to diagnose it was a crisis. But my own sense that I was going to actually die from it was catastrophizing. There was no actual catastrophe…”
Remember when people trying to quit smoking were advised to wear an elastic band around their wrists? Every time they felt a craving for a cigarette, they were to pull the elastic band, and then let it *SNAP* back against the skin of the wrist. That’s a physical version of the verbal “CANCEL!” disruption. The body eventually gets the message to avoid the negative reinforcement/pain of the SNAP next time, and can actually change the way the nervous system sends out those craving signals. I think that’s likely the true power of distraction tools like the 333 Exercise. Anything that disrupts those inadvertent fears of perceived danger!
I suspect that’s also why patients often rank “not knowing what’s wrong” with them as being much worse than even hearing a very serious diagnosis. With the first, the sky’s the limit of imagining all the possible awful things that could happen, but the latter means a diagnosis and a treatment plan.
I’ve quoted therapist Dr Lisa Holland in some of my other posts about managing anxiety. Her recommendation:
“Prioritize your thinking: ask yourself, is this worse than the time ___ happened, or when I ___?
Take care, Helen – good luck at tomorrow’s scan! ❤️
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